More than a year...

has passed since I wrote in this blog. I've failed. I'm heavier now, than I was then!

I'm going to change that though. I'm ready to commit and do this. I know that my body is a gift and I need to treat it as such. I want to be able to use my body for what it was designed to do. Have babies, run, jump, swim, leap, enjoy. Not that I can't do any of those things. I can easily do all of them (well the baby this has proven a bit tricky the last couple of years), but I want to feel healthy and light and free. I want my body to be in it's best possible form and shape and size. It's going to take a great amount of work and effort. I am well aware of that. But I'm ready. I'm ready to be proud of how I look instead of wanting to hide. I want to feel healthy, energetic and fit!

Day 2 DONE!

So I just finished day 2 of P90X. It's hard, but not as hard as I expected. I've done pretty good and feel really good that I'm getting workouts in each day.
I'm also doing really good with my eating. I know it's only day 2, but I'm proud of myself. I took all my before measurements. I'm embarrassed. Hopefully when I hit 30 days I will have lost a lot of inches and weight. I'm really going to hit it hard and try to do really well.
Life is super crazy. Rustin is working out of town and that gives me a lot of extra work and responsibility. I'm trying not to get discouraged and am trying to stay on top of everything. I've already decided though, that my workouts happen first and my diet has to stay a priority. I refuse to let that go.
Anyway, duty calls! Hoping to update every couple days.

For real this time!

OK, so the last few weeks have been torture. I've failed miserably at even attempting to lose any weight. This is my pattern and has been for years... Do great for a little while, lose a little weight, fall off the wagon and gain it all back...plus more, repeat. It's very frustrating. I feel like such a failure. It's annoying. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going. I have to much life to live, to live it fat. I have too much to look forward to. Plus, I'm 30...it's just the beginning, right!?

So, here's the plan. Tomorrow I'm starting P90X. I've had friends and relatives do this program and I know that it is killer. I also know that if I do it faithfully I can make some serious changes to my body. That is what I'm looking for after all. 

I've also realized a couple things that last couple weeks. I am more of an emotional eater than I realized. I knew I relied on food when I shouldn't but I shocked myself when Rustin started working out of town. I was surprised to see myself filling the the void he left with food. I found myself eating in the evenings out of boredom, sadness, and stress! I couldn't believe how much and how horrible I was eating. And I also realized, if I am going to be successful, I need help. I need people who will push me and motivate me to keep going. I need to find people who want me to succeed and will hold me accountable. I suppose at some point I need to tell some one or more than one some one about this blog and what I'm trying to do, so I can get some support! I'm a little scared to do that. It's one thing to write it out myself, but to know people are reading is another! :)
So...I'll be working on these things and hitting this new program hard. Wish me luck. Oh wait...no one knows what I'm doing! :)-

Frustrated...

Why is it so hard to make myself a priority in my life? I do everything else first. Rustin's schedule or lack of schedule really, makes my mornings so chaotic. I spend my mornings helping him in the office and waiting for him to leave for work. Then I'm running late so we just start with school. I HAVE to figure this out. I have to make time for myself. I need to get into a routine and stick with it. I'm not going to make any progress if I keep this up.
Have to keep reminding myself that I'll be hangin' out on the beach with all my old pals in just 5 months!

Gah

So much going on in life...I hate it because I put my workouts off. I stay up late getting things done then ditch the workouts in the mornings. So, in the morning, I'm getting back to my routine. Must be done.
I started tracking my weight weekly. Here are the stats so far.
1/28 - 194.5
2/5 - 190.8
2/12 - 191.8

I'm a little nervous about this week because like I said, I haven't been working out. My eating hasn't been horrible, but I haven't been counting calories either. But I'm getting my butt in gear. I'm keeping the goal in mind and reminding myself that I don't wanna be the "fat friend" at the beach in July!

Starting Stats...

This is terrifying...putting myself out here publicly like this. No one is reading this blog right now, but someone might someday. Yikes!
As of February 1, 2011, I weighed 194.5, wearing a size 16 pants. Ugh. I need to take some measurements also. Here are some before pictures. These were taken this past fall.

And, just for fun, some pictures of the skinny me. These were all taken sometime after my 1st baby but before my 2nd. Wish I would have appreciated my body more then.

So this is the beginning...Away I Go!

The motivation....

So, the right answer here is that my motivation to lose weight is to get healthy for myself, my kids...blah.blah.blah. Yes, I do want to be healthy and live a long, active life. But that hasn't been working for the last 9 years apparently, so...right now my motivation is this: A trip to California with all my best girl friends from high school. It's all planned out. The date has been set and we're all planning to be there. There were 5 of us that hung out together way back when. I've seen each of them since then, but we've not all been together at once. It's probably been close to 15 years. We're a mixed bag now. Family, religion, jobs, where we live, our hobbies...they all differ a little now. But guess what? I'm the only fat one! And I refuse to stay that way. In about 5 months we'll be gracing the sunny beaches of California and I do not want to look like a beached whale and I certainly don't want to be the "fat friend". So...vain as it may be, that's my motivation right now. I've got five months to lose 45 pounds. I believe it's a realistic goal if I get my butt to work! So, AWAY I GO! Wish me luck! :)